A Blog to keep track of how I am feeling day to day, and what I am up to.

Friday, May 12, 2006


My day yesterday ended up being pretty good all told.

It was a Thursday, so was one of my days when I work at the Red Cross Shop. I have really stuggled with the motivation to go in for the last couple of weeks and have only worked a couple of hours here and there, rather than the 4 hours, 2 days a week that I had decided to do. Also when I was there I struggled to concentrate on what I was doing.

Yesterday however, despite again not feeling great about it when I got up, I got my shit together and went in. I am really glad I did, as when I got started I really enjoyed the work again. I had loads to do, as I had done little for the last couple of weeks, and so a cracked on and the time flew by. I really felt I had achieved a lot, and came home feeling great.

Hopefully I will feel the same on Monday, when I am next due in.

The rest of the day was kinda quiet, I spent a lot of time reading and chatting online, but I enjoyed it. I like Thursday evenings on TV as it all politics with Question Time and This Week. I also had an interesting conversation with James re politics and in particular the situation with Iran and their Nuclear Programme. It get's the brain working, which I always like!

I am still struggling to find the motivation to sort out my unopened letters and bills... I dread to think what is in there! Maybe this afternoon I will make a start.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

A step forward... a Haircut

It's been a while again since I last posted. I got sidetracked with reading and other stuff, and always ended up feeling too tired to post before I went to bed.

Overall I have been feeling pretty down, and have been finding it incredibly hard to get things done. I have a kitchen full of washing up, loads of unopened letters and bills that I can't face, and the rest of my house is a bomb site!

Yesterday I had what I see as a real step forward though. After nearly 18 months of not doing so, I finally went and got my hair cut! Seems like a small thing, but the idea of chatting to the barber was not pleasent. How's the job? What you been up to?.... Not easy questions to answer right now to an almost stranger. I knew I needed it cut, as I was looking more and more like Grizzly Adams, so it made me less presentable to go looking for work if I decided to.

Yesterday, it was really warm, and for one of those reasons I could not put my finger on, I just decided to go and have it cut... if the barbers was quiet. When I got there, there was one person being cut, but no-one waiting. I had hoped to be able to walk straight into the chair... and had planned my timing for that goal. Initially I walked straight past, but then convinced myself it was stupid, and when in. When another person came in, I had to fight the urge to get up and leave. I didn't and in the end it was fine; I had the huge mounds of hair cut off, back to a really short cut that I had when I was more confident. The amount of hair cut off was amazing - a little boy who came in as the barber was finishing off whispered to his mum "Is all that hair off that one man?". Made me smile.

When I got home, I finished the job off, and shaved off my beard as well. I feels kinda weird to be honest... I feel naked without all the hair to hide behind. I my face looks really fat and round which I don't like. All the books talk about losing weight when you are depressed... why not in my case? I could really do with doing so! I have ended up comfort eating instead.

I did feel much better when I got up this morning, although looking in the mirror is still a bit of a shock! So far today has been much better then recently, so hopefully this is a bit of a fresh start?

Friday, April 28, 2006

Good Start to the Day... and it Continues

Today has been pretty great so far. I woke up naturally at 6am, and just felt like getting up and doing some tidying around the house... so I did! Got all my piles of washing up, and some other tidying done before going for an early grocery shop with my parents at 8am! I felt really great for it. I have kinda continued being busy for the rest of the day - I have done some more tidying, and have got some of my washing sorted out, as well as making some good progress with my webdesign.

As much as I am happy that I am having a good day, it really confuses me also. Why is today any different to any other day? Why today did I wake up at 6am feeling completely refreshed and ready for the day? Why today did I want to jump out of bed and start cleaning/tidying without turning on a PC or TV first? It seems to be the crux of some of my issues. I need to understand what makes these good days different to the bad days?

If anything, I would have expected today to be a bad day. I fell asleep for about 4-5 hours yesterday afternoon, so I could not get to sleep last night until after 2am. I was expecting to have to drag myself out of bed to go shopping, and then struggle through the day feeling tired for lack of sleep. Well I guess I should not complain, and focus on the positives of getting some stuff sorted, but it is frustrating not understanding why some days are like today to be able to replicate it.

A Quick Update before Bed

It's been a really crappy couple of days. Spent most of the time working on my website, but nothing seems to have gone right with it until this evening. I just found the whole thing completely frustrating - typical of my low-tolerrance self right now. I still have not sorted all the issues out, and I hate the middle of the homepage right now, but it is a marked improvement over what I have had for a couple of days.

I fell asleep for about 5 hours this afternoon, and woke up feeling 100% better, i guess I needed the sleep. Since then, I got going again.

I wish now I had just left the web for a while, and did some of the other things that needed doing, but that is one of the main issues that I am struggling to overcome right now - I find it difficult to do one thing for an hour, leave it and do something else... I tend to get into something to the detriment of everything else. I don't want to get into the detail now, as I need to go to bed, but I am sure resolving this would be a big step forward.

Must put some serious time into this tomorrow...

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

A Busy Day

It's been a real busy day, and I am real tired writing this. Don't feel like I have really stopped all day.

I was at the Red Cross shop this morning... but not really in the mood. The other things that I needed to do were constantly playing on my mind. In the end I gave up after a couple of hours and came home. Depening on what happens I may try and make up the hours later in the week.

The key thing that I wanted to do was do the update to Mum and Dads webpage before they came home from London after the marathon. I wanted to put something on showing Mums results, and the other relevant ones. Really like doing this kind of thing for them, and usually it is well received. Here is what I came up with! I am pretty pleased with it, but have not heard from Mum yet as to what she thought.

Spoke to M+D this evening, and they really pushed me re my Abbey bank charges problems (more later). I know I am stupid to let myself get into this situation, but having a go at me may make them feel better, but it certainly does nothing for me. Almost put the phone down. Got to see them tomorrow, to sort out their new pop3/smtp servers, and a couple of other things, so I guess I will be getting the third degree again. Not looking forward to it...

Other than that I have been busy working on my website (more later), and chatting to Rick and James for the rest of the afternoon/evening. Really good to have them (and AJ) about... seems like I have lost contact with all my "off-line" friends with this depression.

I had fun playing a practical joke on Skip... which is ongoing! He is such an ass, and has fallen for it completely! I know I should not do these things, but he really winds me up. I know a lot of it is to do with my complete intollerance of things since I became depressed. He has always been an ass, but now I don't seem to be able to turn the other cheek like before.

Was planning on going out and getting my hair cut, but could not find the money I know was in a pair of Jeans pockets. My house is such a bomb-site at the moment, it could be anywhere. No motivation to hunt around for the cash, no motivation to go back out to the bank... no haircut. How frustrating now...

I have so much I want to talk about, post catch ups on, and try to understand my feelings about, but I can't do them all at once. Need to gradually think about them over the next few days.

As a reminder...
  • Time Management
  • Friends
  • Depression Book
  • Intollerance
  • Counselling
  • Financial Issues
  • Books/Reading
  • Unwatched DVDs
  • DVD Profiler Rules
OK, gonna get some sleep now... more tomorrow.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Red Cross Volunteering

I guess the biggest thing to happen in the time that I was not posting is that I finally plucked up the courage (and I guess motivation) to volunteer at the Red Cross Shop in Darlington.

It took me some time, and multiple visits to the shop when I planned to volunteer, and ended up browsing and leaving, before I finally asked the question. Strangely it was a day when I was in the shop with no intention of volunteering... I had gone in to browse for books. When I got there, the shop was empty, but for me and the guy behind the counter. He looked friendly, about my age, and I just asked the question as I was buying a book before I knew what I was doing!

I have to say I felt fantastic walking home after sorting out the details. It felt like such a huge step forward, and I guess it was.

I have been working 4 hours on each Monday and Thursday since. It is working really well for me as it is something to get me out of the house, and mixing with people again, but there is not really the pressure of a normal job. If I really don't feel up to it, then I can miss a day, or change a day to another with no consequences. I guess that has it pros and cons... it is much easier to miss a day than it would be with a normal job, and I have a couple of times. As a stepping stone to getting back to proper work, it is great though.

I have felt a difference in myself since I started working there, and how I am when I am there has changed also. When I started I volunteered to look after the books, essentially to sort them out as it was a complete bomb site, and good stock was in the stock room with crap on the shelves. Initially I was at my happiest when I was up in the stock room, generally by myself, busy sorting books with my music on. Gradually though I am enjoying more and more being on the shop floor, chatting to the other volunteers, and being around people.

Another great thing is that responsibility I have taken for the books. And I guess "taken" is the best word for it. On my first day the manager had to take the day off, so when I arrived there was someone there who did not know what needed doing. I almost turned around and left, but decided to have a look if I could see anything to do. In the end I pulled all the stock-room books off the shelves, and reorganised them into categories, and generally tidied them up.

The next time I went in, the manager was back, and was really impressed and happy with my work. It felt like a long time since I have had that kind of positive feedback from a job - so long in fact I had come to not even expect or look for it. It was quite a surprise I guess. He basically said that I clearly know what I am doing with the books, so if I was happy to, I could keep going with them! Could not have been better for me!

I really feel that I am making a difference... the takings on books have increased dramatically since I started - they are up about 400%, so not only is it doing me good it has a wider impact on the shop as a whole.

The one thing that I have found, is that even in a charity environment, there are still the issues of business to deal with - bureaucracy, out of touch management, etc. I am not going to get into my frustrations now, but I will vent about them at another time! I guess it does show I will never get away from it completely, and my current frustrated feelings (even as a volunteer) show I have some way to go in not letting this crap get to me.

One other thing that has come out of this is that I have realised that I really love working with books. I always enjoyed it when I worked at Dillons and Ottakers, and I really feel that coming back now with the work I am going at the Red Cross.

I really wonder if I should be trying to get back into the bookshops. I am not sure if I would be satisfied with it long term? And I still have a real passion for going to Africa/Make Poverty History, etc. I guess I need to give it some serious thought... I suppose they are not exclusive - I could spend some time in the bookshops, get myself really straightened out and then look towards Africa? Dunno?

Still Awake

OK, so much for going to bed! Got into reformatting the template to match the rest of my new site (more on that tomorrow).

Pretty pleased with the result!

One good thing - I found the missing email post say waiting to be published (DOH!), so that has now been added!

OK Sleep Now - before a pass out and wake up with QWERTY written backwards on my forehead!

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Getting Started Again

Finally getting my shit together to start writing this again. Been too long. Must remember to thank James again for inspiring me to get going again.

The reason for stopping kinda sums up my situation. I tried the email in functionality near Xmas, and for some reason it failed. I did not post again then as I wanted to keep things in order, and needs to resolve or repost the failed message manually. That would have needed some effort, and the motivation just did not come... Pathetic.

So where am I now? Have I moved on? It is over 4 months since my last post, and while I do think I have improved some overall, I am still not stable enough to go back to work. I still have really low days - or groups of days - when I just can't motivate myself to do anything.

I know there has been one big improvement since Xmas - I finally took the plunge to volunteer at the Red Cross shop. Really pleased I did; it feels like a big step forward.

Not going to write anymore now... it is nearly 1am, and I need some sleep - I am at the shop in the morning.

Will get into this properly tomorrow!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Christmas Eve

It's been a few days since my last post. I have been completely hooked
on my book, and in an attempt to get it finished before Christmas
everything else has pretty much gone out of the window. Only about 75
pages left now, so will finish it before I go to sleep tonight.

Currently at Mum and Dads, with Jo, watching Bridget Jones - I am
staying here tonight ready for Christmas day. Jo and I have discussed
sharing this with Mum and Dad, and she is unsure whether it is good
idea. She is worried that it may do more harm than good. I am still
waiting to here what Joyce thinks back from Tom. I am still considering
it, but am definately not going to do anything until after Christmas.

The last couple of days have been pretty good. I have been reading
loads, but I have got other things done as well - I have stayed on top
of my washing up, and got prepared for Christmas etc. I have not really
given much thought to how I am feeling - have just been getting on with
things. I guess looking back they have been good days overall. I don't
recall having wasted any time on my computer or watching TV I am not
interested in. I sometimes feel guilty spending huge amount of time
reading, even though I don't think it is time badly spent. I know it is
more valuable than watching TV or Films, but I know I need to move back
into more routine days. Clearly now nothing is going to happen until
after Christmas, but I need to find a way to take the step then.

Rik has said that he has some ideas for me that he thinks may help.
We'll see tomorrow - Christmas Day is really not the day for it, but we
need to take the opportunity when we can. I guess we can probably go out
for a walk at some point with his dog, and have a chat then.

I feel more comfortable about Christmas now. I am staying at Mum and
Dads tonight, but after that I don't know what i am going to do. I think
it is likely I will end up at home to sleep tomorrow night, but I'll
play it by ear. I think we are going to Newcastle on Wednesday -
hopefully to get Dad and Jo DVD players - at last!! They are all coming
to my house on Thursday night, so it is going to be a busy week, so I
don't see me making much progress - and having much time to think or
write this!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

A Quick Update

Today has pretty good after a completely miserable night. I just could not get to sleep, and then was awake every hour of the night! There was nothing really on my mind that was keeping me awake, I could just not seem to get comfortable, and then stay asleep. On order to get the sleep I needed I ended up being bed until gone 10am, when I had planned to get up a lot earlier.

Tom came around this morning for coffee and to see Fifth Gear re. SatNav systems. We had a really good chat about things - how I am feeling, and how I am dealing with things. He is really easy to talk to.

I also discussed with him the idea of sharing this Blog with my family. He was not sure if it would give them any benefit, and thought it may be the opposite. He is going to discuss it with Joyce and let me know what she thinks as well. Unless Joyce comes back with a resounding Yes, were she in the position with Mark, I will leave it until after Xmas. As it seems to be a bit of a risk if I do, I don't want to be something hanging over us over the Xmas period!

Since the lunchtime I have spent most of the afternoon reading, and organising some stuff on my PCs. I really settled into my book, without getting distracted - it feels good after a couple of weeks of really struggling to read for more than a few minutes at a time.

I want to get a good nights sleep tonight, and get myself sorted for Xmas. Hopefully I can discuss stuff with Mum and Dad on Friday after shopping - particularly where I am sleeping over Xmas. I am gonna sort out some MP3 CDs for them, so I may go up for coffee with them, rather than them coming here.

I feel positive about the next few days - I have things that I want to do, and believe I will get them sorted before Xmas.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Catching Up

It has been a few days since I last posted, and I really have no good excuse! I guess the main reason is that I have got right into my book, so at the end of the day I am keen to get into that, and forget about posting.

Overall I am feeling pretty good, and have been for the last couple of days. I have really been keeping on top of things, and have been pretty active. I have been keeping my house pretty much tidy, and my washing up done without any incentive of someone coming. I don't really know why I suddenly started to do so in the last few days - but I just feel I want to before I start watching a film... I hope I can continue with this, but who knows - being lazy with cleaning and tidying has not been new with my depression, although it has certainly become more pronounced.

As far as what I have been up to, I have not done a huge amount productive, but I have not spend time fiddling about, watching whatever on TV, playing solitaire on the PC etc. I have been keeping on top of the important things - obviously the cleaning, but also I have been cooking every night, rather than eating pizzas etc. The rest of the time has been reading, watching films, and specific things on TV that interest me. I think because I have been keeping on top of these things, it has allowed me to settle better to watching a film, or reading my book. I had been finding these hard to settle on, mainly because my mind was wandering to other things I "should" be doing.

I have been pretty involved in the DVDP rules the last few days, as there have been lots of conversations that I have felt pretty passionate about as the suggestions being made have been completely crazy. I have not however completed the work on the section that I took on -
the craziness of the things that are moving forward makes me wonder why I am bothering. I do want to get it done, but like has happened before, a relatively small thing has knocked me, and I have withdrawn. This lack of resistance to relatively small barriers continues to bother me - previously they would act as more of a motivator to overcome them, now they knock me completely. OK this particular one is of low importance to my life as a whole, but it shows the issue remains.

Unfortunately AMT is still effectively inactive, so my plan touse it to try to force myself into working set hours remains on the back burner - as does my DVD buying. :o(
I wish they would communicate with us users what the hell is going on - it is a very poor beta in terms of communication. They are not asking the users what they think, and not telling them what is happening - how they can judge it's success is beyond me!

I was at my parents for dinner tonight, with Eileen and Grandma, which was good - with the usual rolly eye moments! Had a good chat with Dad afterwards. I hope Xmas is as good. I am getting pressured to stay from Xmas Eve to the 27th, as we have family stuff going on all the time. I am not that keen at the moment - I need my space at the moment (and like my own bed!) I don't think I can lose that for 3+ days, without my mood and tollerance taking a substantial hit. That can't be good for anyone. I am going to decide as I go what I am going to do. I need to address it with Mum first, as I don't want an argument in the middle of Xmas about it.

I have real mixed feelings about Xmas at the moment. I am looking forward to it generally, but at the same time I am worried about the inevitable questions about how I am and what I am doing, which is going to be difficult. I guess I just need to get away for a walk, or whatever, if I feel it all getting on top of me! I am gonna take my laptop with me, so I can write entries to this to get stuff off my chest if I need to.

I still have not shared this with anyone, but Tom is coming around tomorrow, and I think I am going to discuss it with him while he is here. I have not decided definately, but I think so...

Enough for now.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Getting Things Done on a Bad Day

Today has been a real up and down day. I have not felt great most of the day, and have been really tired, yet I have managed to get some things done.

Got up at about 9am, and was immediately tired. I spent the morning fiddling around doing not a great deal - TV, computer, etc. After lunch I watched a DVD, and afterwards I was so tired I decided to go lie in bed, and watch a bit of snooker. The next thing I knew I was waking up as Strictly Come Dancing started at 18:30...

The evening has been much more positive - I have cooked and immediately washed up, cleaned out my fridge and put my rubbish out. All that as well as my usual session of TV.

I find days like this really strange - start with no energy, and end up on a positive note getting a lot done. I am always loathed to go back to bed - and went back today feeling guilty - yet the result was eventually positive. I don't feel it is a good thing, and would prefer to get a full night's sleep and not need it. But is a sleep followed by activity better then wandering through the day, surviving on coffee and really achieving nothing. I guess it is, but the best of both has to be the goal - I can't do a full time job if I can't get through the day awake.

I have made no progress on my section of the DVDP rules which I find disappointing. I am left with some tough bits, and had no motivation to crack on. I definately want to make some significant progress tomorrow - once I get it live, it is initially down to the rest of team to comment and I can sit back a bit. This is some pressure on me at the moment, but I think it is positive, although not enjoyable now.

Another early morning for shopping tomorrow, so I guess tomorrow may be similar to today. My parents will be around after coffee, so maybe another chance to tell them about the Blog. I am still not sure - and want to discuss with Tom first I think. Hopefully he will come round for a coffee tomorrow afternoon...

Yesterday - A Good Day

I missed posting yesterday - went to bed early to watch newsnight, and then forgot about it. So anyway, yesterday was pretty good. I did manage to get to the doctors - amazingly I got an appointment by phone! It was OK - I could not see Dr Trewby as she was away, and Dr Townsend seemed keen to change things. I managed to persuade her to leave the status-quo, so Dr Trewby can continue as she has been.

The rest of the day was pretty good. I took responsibility for a section of the DVDP rules for Special Interest DVDs. I feel good to do something like this - drafting some rules and then managing the forum discussions to keep things on track.

Otherwise my day was pretty quiet.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Great Day

Today has been a great day! I have spent most of the day busy, and I have achieved a lot. I certainly feel a lot better for it too.

I had to get up early to go and get a doctor's appointment, and managed it with only a couple of presses of snooze. After having some time for breakfast, I left the house at about 8am to make the appointment - it really annoys me that to make an appointment it easier to walk a mile each way to the surgery than it is to try to get through on the phone. What a pathetic system!

I kinda killed time up to 10:20ish when I had to leave again to go back for my appointment - I do find it hard to motivate myself to do things in these small gaps of time. When I start something I like to finish it there and then, so I tend not to start if I may run out of time. It does often lead to a lot of wasted time.

The Doctor's was a complete farce. They booked me in for a 10:45 appointment, sure it would be OK to be out for my 11am counseling session. 10:45, 10:50, 10:55, 11:00 came and went and I was still not going in to see the doctor. At 11:05 I decided to cancel - I did not wish to miss the counseling - if it starts late, it does not run late, I just lose the time. I was not prepared to do that. The attitude of the receptionist annoyed the hell out of me. She suggested that it was wrong for me to cancel the appointment - how so?
  • They suggested the appointment time
  • They were running late
  • I had to make a wasted trip to book the appointment
  • I was not getting the prescription I needed
  • I will have to walk across again to book another appointment
  • I will have to go back again to see the doctor
What is the inconvenience to them - advising the doctor I cancelled - something he was probably glad of to get back on time somewhat! To add insult to injury, after my counseling, I went back to reception to try to sort it out, and there was no-one there! After much failed coughing to try to attract attention I walked out as Dad was waiting for me. The whole system is a joke, and the reception service stinks. If it was not that Dr. Trewby is so fantastic I would move to a different surgery. I feel completely unmotivated to go back this week as Dr. Trewby is away anyway. I only really want a couple of tablets to keep me going until she comes back on Monday - I do not want to discuss how I am feeling with another doctor. The whole having to have an appointment etc seems a waste of time and resources. I doubt I will go tomorrow, as I cannot be bothered to get up early again. If I am awake I will, but I am not setting my alarm.

On a positive the counseling was really good. Having done this Blog was a real benefit to the session, as I had a clearer picture of how I was feeling, and what was bothering me. I wish I had started this earlier as I feel it could have been really beneficial to the earlier sessions. No point crying over spilt milk I guess.

I also discussed sharing this with my family as planned. I came to no conclusions really, but it was good to talk it through. At the moment I am favouring the idea, as I think the benefits outweigh the negatives as a whole, although I am still worried about damaging the benefit I get from it by not really speaking my mind... Tom is coming for coffee later in the week, so I think I am going to discuss it with him, and decide from there. I need to know if it going to benefit my parents especially.

The rest of the day has been pretty good - I had lunch with my parents, and then stayed at their house to wait for a parcel while they went out to see Roland. It feels good to help them out like that, if even in just a small way. Dad came back quickly as he was just helping get Roland ready to go out. I stayed until the parcel arrived and had a good chat about their planned Ireland holiday, and watched some snooker.

Since then I have been at home, done the washing up that I had left, cooked, and done some more washing before having an evening watching Top Gear, The 4400 and Dragons Den.

Today feels really good - there have been a lot of positives, and of a varied type. I need more days like this.

I wish the whole issue with the Doctor's had not happened - it puts a frustrating blot on the day. Things like this really bug me generally - but particularly at the moment. It is similar to the farce at the job centre about voluntary work - I felt motivated to do some when I went in, but the incompetence and ridiculous bureaucracy left me so frustrated and angry I have still not recovered that motivation. Thinking about it just gives me that whole barrier to overcome again which I just don't want to face.

One step at a time I guess - I need to get back to the Doctors this week. I have considered cutting a couple of tablets in half to keep me going - I know I should not, and am determined not to get into that situation.

Monday, December 12, 2005

A Day of Getting Things Done

Today has been more positive I am pleased to say. I feel I have achieved something, if not a huge amount, and I feel pretty good, going to bed tonight.

I have not spent the whole day infront of the TV, I have tidied a couple of rooms of my house, and sorted out some washing - I hear the machine whirring in the background as I write this. OK, I did spend more time than ideal in front of the TV and computer, but it has bothered me less than usual - the room I was sitting in was tidy is one reason I guess!

It feels strange that I feel so positive now, as my day has not been radically different to normal. It started late, despite a relatively early night last night. I just did not feel motivated to get up - I just laid and watched the curling on Eurosport. Happily I did not feel guilty about doing so, as I often do when I laze around in bed until late. I wonder if that is a good thing or not - I know I should not be spending all day in bed, but at the same time living my life always feeling guilty is doing me no good.
I don't know if I have fully come to terms with my depression - I know I am medically ill, but I still feel almost like I am slacking, as at times I feel completely normal. Maybe I need to better understand my depression to accept it and deal with it to move on?

When I did get up, I jumped straight into tidying my living room and dining room (after writing my missed post). It is strange that some days I just want to do these things, but most days I will happily sit in my living room surrounded by dirty glasses and plates without a care in the world (unless the doorbell rings)!

I have spent a chunk of the afternoon on the DVDP forums and talking to Rick online - he and Lori left today to go and and see Lori's new doctor, so he was a bit stressed about it. I hope all goes well.

I had a good conversation with Mum on the phone early this evening. I often feel like I am being analysed when we talk on the phone - I know she is calling because she cares and is concerned about me, but often I find it difficult, and can't get off the phone fast enough. Tonight was different - don't know why?

I feel like I write "I don't know why" so often in this Blog - it is obviously the key to me moving on. I need to understand why one day's feeling is different to another, and find a way to control that myself, rather than just going along with it. At the moment I just do not know what drives those differences.

The rest of my evening has been the normal TV, laptop and chocolate. Not great, but I did finish a little earlier than normal. I took the time to sort out my washing so I could put a load in overnight, and have some more ready for the morning. It also goes a long way to tidying my bedroom - not having piles of dirty clothes on the floor.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day - I am seeing Andrew at 11am, and I need to get an appointment with Dr. Trewby as well. I am planning to go down for 8am-ish to get that appointment, and so hopefully I can get one close to my counseling appointment. I think both could be really beneficial tomorrow as I have this to discuss, which I see as a positive step. I am planning on taking my laptop with me to the counseling session - as I am really keen to discuss, in an informed way, my dilemma about whether to give access to my family and friends.

Delayed Update

I forgot to post last night - was laid in bed when I realised, and could not be bothered to get back up!

So yesterday... I had a quiet day, I almost felt that I spent the day treading water, waiting for Sports Personality of the Year to start.

I spent a lot of the day chatting with Rick and James online, and reading/replying to the DVDP forum. There is no progress as usual - just the usual name calling and bickering. It is entertaining at least.

I also watched the A1GP race - another less then stellar result for Team GB. The DAMs team is clearly doing a fantastic job with Switzerland and France winning the 2 races. It is all becoming a bit boring from my perspective, although the races were more entertaining than of late, and they seem to have resolved the farcical pitstops.

I don't really know where the rest of the day went - what I have written certainly does not feel like a full day, but I don't really know what else I did.

So to Sports Personality of the Year... It was pretty disappointing in my opinion. The only one of the main prizes that I think they got right was the team for the Ashes Team. Overseas should have Lance Armstrong, and the main prize should have been Ellen. And I am not going to even start on the motorsport section of the show... or lack there of.

So yesterday was a bit of a none event when it comes to how I am feeling - I did not give any thought to anything... I guess it is normal to have days like that from time to time.

I have had a late start today - no postie to wake me up - so here I am, nearly lunchtime, and have not really done anything yet - beyond writing this! My plans for the day are pretty non-existent at the moment. Gonna have my lunch and take it from there...

Sunday, December 11, 2005

A Good Day All Told

Overall, today has been a pretty good day, and I go to bed tonight feeling quite positive.

After getting up earlyish - thanks postie ;o) - I have managed to stay up all day without too much problem at all. I have not really felt like a snooze on the sofa at any point really, and I am now going to bed at a better time.

I went out to get my Christmas cards hand delivered around near where my parents live as planned, stopped in for lunch, and walked back with them as I they were going into town. I still miss my MP3 player when I am out and about like that - I wish it would get fixed and be back to me soon. Being without it has really made going out for a walk far less appealing; I am not a big fan of exercise for the sake of it, but having some music makes it more enjoyable. I know since it broke I have spent far more time at home by myself which is clearly a bad thing.

The rest of the day has been OK - I tidied up a bit more, and did my washing up, and watched the A1GP qualifying - same old teams at the front!

I then spent the evening chatting to James, Rick and AJ online while posting the DVDP forum, watching X-Factor and the Boxing. It has been an enjoyable evening all told, although the Audley Harrison vs. Danny Williams fight was a complete joke. What happened to the AH from the Olympics in 2000 - he did nothing all fight except hang on for dear life looking terrified. Not that DW did much to win it either. Rounds 10 and 11 were good, but before that it was terminally dull, and after they were barely able to stand up they were so tired. I can't see either being World Champion even in what is a pretty poor category at he moment. At least Amir Khan put on another stunning performance - lets hope he learns how not to have a professional career after the Olympics from AH!!

I am really pleased that I spent the time to put my thoughts about this Blog down earlier. It took some time, and effort to do so. But I have a clearer picture in my mind of how this can help. I still can't decide on whether to give access to my family and friends. I guess I need to give it a few more days thought...

Tomorrow's high point for me is BBC Sport's Personality of the Year. I love the show and I will be gutted if Ellen MacArthur does not win this year. No doubt I will be screaming at the TV when all of Britain's motor-racing champions are ignored to talk about Jenson Buttons crappy season in F1.

I invited my parents round for a meal, and to watch it, but they have declined as my Mum can't sit for 2 hours without something to do, and wants to get on with her quilt. They invited me there, but I can't stand watching a widescreen programme on a 4:3 TV and so losing loads of the picture. I am disappointed, but I guess I can't complain - each excuse is as bad as the other!

I am annoyed with myself about the tidying & washing up and it's link to inviting my parents for dinner. I definitely wanted them to come, but I know in my heart that one of the reasons for the invite is that it will give me the kick up the arse (that I know I need) to get my house tidied and my washing up done. I can live happily in my house when it is a complete tip - junk everywhere, washing up not done etc. - but I hate it when someone comes around and sees the house like that. I can hardly ever motivate myself to tidy and clean up for myself, to be in a clean house. I like it when my house is clean, but it does not bother me enough to do the tidying for just my own benefit. So occasionally I end up inviting people around to force myself to clean - as well as wanting to see them. It is pathetic, yet I do it again and again. As I said I wanted my parents to come tomorrow night, but I also know that if I had not asked them the washing up would still be in the sink, and the tidying I did would not have been done.

I think it highlights my complete lack of self motivation at the moment - if I am doing something only for me, I will as soon not do it. I need to force an external trigger to get moving - but if someone else forces that trigger, it has the complete opposite effect - I don't want to be pushed, I need to do things when I am ready, not when someone else thinks I should. It is twisted mess...

OK, enough for today...

Saturday, December 10, 2005

My Thoughts on Blogging

I have put a lot of thought into this over the last few days since I started writing this Blog. Essentially is it helping me or not?

I guess in some ways it is too early to say for sure if this is having any real benefit, but I feel at the moment that it is. I find it therapeutic, in the same way my counselling sessions are. In fact the feeling that I have as I write this are very similar to those I have when I am talking to Andrew. It is forcing me to think about things - what I am doing, why I am doing them, how the successes and failures make me feel.

Blogging is also working almost like a To Do list - if I write in a post that I plan to do something, then I am more keen to do so, rather than writing I didn't in my next post. I don't however want this to become almost like a crutch as the To Do lists did at times - I would only do something if it was on the list. It became a crazy situation at times where I would write something on the list, do it, and then mark it completed - just to get the sense of satisfaction of ticking something off. On occasion the writing and ticking off would take almost as long as the task itself.

When I started this I questioned whether I would post on a daily basis, but now I am posting more often than that, as the mood takes me. It has become almost a stream on conciousness at times. The way I am feeling I think I am more likely to post more often rather than less in the coming days and weeks.

I wondered a few days ago whether the things that I was left thinking about after writing my posts on an evening would effect my sleep that night. In the end I think it is probably having the opposite affect - spending some time before going to bed to analyse my day - the highs and lows - gets it off my chest. It is better than laying in bed doing the same analysis of my day, while trying to put it out of my mind as I am trying to sleep.

One big question that I have still to resolve in my mind is whether to tell my friends and family about this. At the moment no-one knows I am writing it. In some ways I really want to tell them - I see this as a positive step after all. However I have concerns about doing so. Essentially I can see both positives and negatives of sharing this with them.

On the positive side, I know that my depression is affecting my family and friends as well - particularly my parents. I think it may help them to read this, and better understand how I am feeling, what I am struggling with etc. I find it difficult to really talk to them about how I am feeling, and this could be a way for that to happen indirectly. I know that not knowing how I am feeling is particularly hard for them, and would really like to resolve that.

On the other side, I need this to be somewhere that I can say whatever I need to say, without fear of offending someone. One of the main issues I am experiencing with my depression is a complete frustration and lack of tollerance of others at times. Little things can really wind me up, and at times I will explode and say things that it would be better if I had not (even if they are my true feelings). I want to be able to vent those frustrations here. If I give people the link, and they start getting offended, I lose this opportunity which I do feel is beneficial.

I really don't know at this stage what to do... I wonder whether I should talk to Tom, and see what he thinks as I am close to him and he probably knows what my parents are feeling right now better than I do. But then if I decide not to give my parents the link, and something slips out to them it will be all the worse... I just don't know right now.
Maybe I'll discuss it with Andrew at my counselling session on Tuesday, and get his thoughts first. I almost told my parents today while I was having lunch at their house, but decided I wanted to write this post first - to sort through my feelings and thoughts. Once I open the door there is really no shutting it again.

As usual, more to think about when I finish, than when I started.

Up & Feeling Better

I have got up this morning feeling much more awake and better than yesterday. Got woken up again by the postman with more DVDs bought with AMT money. While I like getting the parcels, I wish postie would arrive a bit later!

I started the day by tiying the house a bit. Just some basic stuff - tidying paperwork, and other bits. I also spent some time on the DVDP Rules forum answering some the crazy stuff from overnight, and then catching up on a bit of TV from last night.

It has been a good start to the day, hopefully I can keep it up. I definately want to get through the day without falling asleep again. I need to get my body clock into some sort of routine - whether that be a "normal" routine, late nights and getting up late, or whatever - this inconsistancy and sleep during the day is doing me no good at all.

I am going to try and write about how I feel this Blog is help me work through my feelings this afternoon. Need to give it a bit more thought...

A Lazy Day

I have had a really lazy day today - I have not felt really awake for any of it really! I fell asleep for an hour this morning when I had barely been out of bed for a couple of hours, and the fell asleep again for about 5 hours on the sofa this afternoon/evening while reading. I didn't get a huge amount of sleep last night, but not little enough to make me as tired as I have felt all day.

So my day has been completely unproductive - I did manage to get out to post my Christmas cards that I'm not hand delivering, which is one plus. Otherwise I have just been lazing around, unable to focus on anything really - even watching a film.

Days like this really bug me. I wish I could put my finger on why sometimes I have these days where can't motivate myself to do anything.

I spend most of the time thinking about things a need to do and want to do, and can't concentrate on any of them. I can't effectively prioritise what to do first, so whatever I do do feels wrong. For example I sit and start to watch a film, and end up with my mind wandering to something else to the point where I give up on the fim. But then I don't do whatever the other thing is.

Time just wanders by, and I look back at the day, and can't see what I have done, never mind achieved. I need to work this out if I am going to move on...

On a positive note I do feel that this Blog is helping me think things through, and put things in perspective, but I'll leave my thoughts that for another post that is not at 2am in the morning!