A Blog to keep track of how I am feeling day to day, and what I am up to.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Getting Things Done on a Bad Day

Today has been a real up and down day. I have not felt great most of the day, and have been really tired, yet I have managed to get some things done.

Got up at about 9am, and was immediately tired. I spent the morning fiddling around doing not a great deal - TV, computer, etc. After lunch I watched a DVD, and afterwards I was so tired I decided to go lie in bed, and watch a bit of snooker. The next thing I knew I was waking up as Strictly Come Dancing started at 18:30...

The evening has been much more positive - I have cooked and immediately washed up, cleaned out my fridge and put my rubbish out. All that as well as my usual session of TV.

I find days like this really strange - start with no energy, and end up on a positive note getting a lot done. I am always loathed to go back to bed - and went back today feeling guilty - yet the result was eventually positive. I don't feel it is a good thing, and would prefer to get a full night's sleep and not need it. But is a sleep followed by activity better then wandering through the day, surviving on coffee and really achieving nothing. I guess it is, but the best of both has to be the goal - I can't do a full time job if I can't get through the day awake.

I have made no progress on my section of the DVDP rules which I find disappointing. I am left with some tough bits, and had no motivation to crack on. I definately want to make some significant progress tomorrow - once I get it live, it is initially down to the rest of team to comment and I can sit back a bit. This is some pressure on me at the moment, but I think it is positive, although not enjoyable now.

Another early morning for shopping tomorrow, so I guess tomorrow may be similar to today. My parents will be around after coffee, so maybe another chance to tell them about the Blog. I am still not sure - and want to discuss with Tom first I think. Hopefully he will come round for a coffee tomorrow afternoon...

Yesterday - A Good Day

I missed posting yesterday - went to bed early to watch newsnight, and then forgot about it. So anyway, yesterday was pretty good. I did manage to get to the doctors - amazingly I got an appointment by phone! It was OK - I could not see Dr Trewby as she was away, and Dr Townsend seemed keen to change things. I managed to persuade her to leave the status-quo, so Dr Trewby can continue as she has been.

The rest of the day was pretty good. I took responsibility for a section of the DVDP rules for Special Interest DVDs. I feel good to do something like this - drafting some rules and then managing the forum discussions to keep things on track.

Otherwise my day was pretty quiet.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Great Day

Today has been a great day! I have spent most of the day busy, and I have achieved a lot. I certainly feel a lot better for it too.

I had to get up early to go and get a doctor's appointment, and managed it with only a couple of presses of snooze. After having some time for breakfast, I left the house at about 8am to make the appointment - it really annoys me that to make an appointment it easier to walk a mile each way to the surgery than it is to try to get through on the phone. What a pathetic system!

I kinda killed time up to 10:20ish when I had to leave again to go back for my appointment - I do find it hard to motivate myself to do things in these small gaps of time. When I start something I like to finish it there and then, so I tend not to start if I may run out of time. It does often lead to a lot of wasted time.

The Doctor's was a complete farce. They booked me in for a 10:45 appointment, sure it would be OK to be out for my 11am counseling session. 10:45, 10:50, 10:55, 11:00 came and went and I was still not going in to see the doctor. At 11:05 I decided to cancel - I did not wish to miss the counseling - if it starts late, it does not run late, I just lose the time. I was not prepared to do that. The attitude of the receptionist annoyed the hell out of me. She suggested that it was wrong for me to cancel the appointment - how so?
  • They suggested the appointment time
  • They were running late
  • I had to make a wasted trip to book the appointment
  • I was not getting the prescription I needed
  • I will have to walk across again to book another appointment
  • I will have to go back again to see the doctor
What is the inconvenience to them - advising the doctor I cancelled - something he was probably glad of to get back on time somewhat! To add insult to injury, after my counseling, I went back to reception to try to sort it out, and there was no-one there! After much failed coughing to try to attract attention I walked out as Dad was waiting for me. The whole system is a joke, and the reception service stinks. If it was not that Dr. Trewby is so fantastic I would move to a different surgery. I feel completely unmotivated to go back this week as Dr. Trewby is away anyway. I only really want a couple of tablets to keep me going until she comes back on Monday - I do not want to discuss how I am feeling with another doctor. The whole having to have an appointment etc seems a waste of time and resources. I doubt I will go tomorrow, as I cannot be bothered to get up early again. If I am awake I will, but I am not setting my alarm.

On a positive the counseling was really good. Having done this Blog was a real benefit to the session, as I had a clearer picture of how I was feeling, and what was bothering me. I wish I had started this earlier as I feel it could have been really beneficial to the earlier sessions. No point crying over spilt milk I guess.

I also discussed sharing this with my family as planned. I came to no conclusions really, but it was good to talk it through. At the moment I am favouring the idea, as I think the benefits outweigh the negatives as a whole, although I am still worried about damaging the benefit I get from it by not really speaking my mind... Tom is coming for coffee later in the week, so I think I am going to discuss it with him, and decide from there. I need to know if it going to benefit my parents especially.

The rest of the day has been pretty good - I had lunch with my parents, and then stayed at their house to wait for a parcel while they went out to see Roland. It feels good to help them out like that, if even in just a small way. Dad came back quickly as he was just helping get Roland ready to go out. I stayed until the parcel arrived and had a good chat about their planned Ireland holiday, and watched some snooker.

Since then I have been at home, done the washing up that I had left, cooked, and done some more washing before having an evening watching Top Gear, The 4400 and Dragons Den.

Today feels really good - there have been a lot of positives, and of a varied type. I need more days like this.

I wish the whole issue with the Doctor's had not happened - it puts a frustrating blot on the day. Things like this really bug me generally - but particularly at the moment. It is similar to the farce at the job centre about voluntary work - I felt motivated to do some when I went in, but the incompetence and ridiculous bureaucracy left me so frustrated and angry I have still not recovered that motivation. Thinking about it just gives me that whole barrier to overcome again which I just don't want to face.

One step at a time I guess - I need to get back to the Doctors this week. I have considered cutting a couple of tablets in half to keep me going - I know I should not, and am determined not to get into that situation.

Monday, December 12, 2005

A Day of Getting Things Done

Today has been more positive I am pleased to say. I feel I have achieved something, if not a huge amount, and I feel pretty good, going to bed tonight.

I have not spent the whole day infront of the TV, I have tidied a couple of rooms of my house, and sorted out some washing - I hear the machine whirring in the background as I write this. OK, I did spend more time than ideal in front of the TV and computer, but it has bothered me less than usual - the room I was sitting in was tidy is one reason I guess!

It feels strange that I feel so positive now, as my day has not been radically different to normal. It started late, despite a relatively early night last night. I just did not feel motivated to get up - I just laid and watched the curling on Eurosport. Happily I did not feel guilty about doing so, as I often do when I laze around in bed until late. I wonder if that is a good thing or not - I know I should not be spending all day in bed, but at the same time living my life always feeling guilty is doing me no good.
I don't know if I have fully come to terms with my depression - I know I am medically ill, but I still feel almost like I am slacking, as at times I feel completely normal. Maybe I need to better understand my depression to accept it and deal with it to move on?

When I did get up, I jumped straight into tidying my living room and dining room (after writing my missed post). It is strange that some days I just want to do these things, but most days I will happily sit in my living room surrounded by dirty glasses and plates without a care in the world (unless the doorbell rings)!

I have spent a chunk of the afternoon on the DVDP forums and talking to Rick online - he and Lori left today to go and and see Lori's new doctor, so he was a bit stressed about it. I hope all goes well.

I had a good conversation with Mum on the phone early this evening. I often feel like I am being analysed when we talk on the phone - I know she is calling because she cares and is concerned about me, but often I find it difficult, and can't get off the phone fast enough. Tonight was different - don't know why?

I feel like I write "I don't know why" so often in this Blog - it is obviously the key to me moving on. I need to understand why one day's feeling is different to another, and find a way to control that myself, rather than just going along with it. At the moment I just do not know what drives those differences.

The rest of my evening has been the normal TV, laptop and chocolate. Not great, but I did finish a little earlier than normal. I took the time to sort out my washing so I could put a load in overnight, and have some more ready for the morning. It also goes a long way to tidying my bedroom - not having piles of dirty clothes on the floor.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day - I am seeing Andrew at 11am, and I need to get an appointment with Dr. Trewby as well. I am planning to go down for 8am-ish to get that appointment, and so hopefully I can get one close to my counseling appointment. I think both could be really beneficial tomorrow as I have this to discuss, which I see as a positive step. I am planning on taking my laptop with me to the counseling session - as I am really keen to discuss, in an informed way, my dilemma about whether to give access to my family and friends.

Delayed Update

I forgot to post last night - was laid in bed when I realised, and could not be bothered to get back up!

So yesterday... I had a quiet day, I almost felt that I spent the day treading water, waiting for Sports Personality of the Year to start.

I spent a lot of the day chatting with Rick and James online, and reading/replying to the DVDP forum. There is no progress as usual - just the usual name calling and bickering. It is entertaining at least.

I also watched the A1GP race - another less then stellar result for Team GB. The DAMs team is clearly doing a fantastic job with Switzerland and France winning the 2 races. It is all becoming a bit boring from my perspective, although the races were more entertaining than of late, and they seem to have resolved the farcical pitstops.

I don't really know where the rest of the day went - what I have written certainly does not feel like a full day, but I don't really know what else I did.

So to Sports Personality of the Year... It was pretty disappointing in my opinion. The only one of the main prizes that I think they got right was the team for the Ashes Team. Overseas should have Lance Armstrong, and the main prize should have been Ellen. And I am not going to even start on the motorsport section of the show... or lack there of.

So yesterday was a bit of a none event when it comes to how I am feeling - I did not give any thought to anything... I guess it is normal to have days like that from time to time.

I have had a late start today - no postie to wake me up - so here I am, nearly lunchtime, and have not really done anything yet - beyond writing this! My plans for the day are pretty non-existent at the moment. Gonna have my lunch and take it from there...

Sunday, December 11, 2005

A Good Day All Told

Overall, today has been a pretty good day, and I go to bed tonight feeling quite positive.

After getting up earlyish - thanks postie ;o) - I have managed to stay up all day without too much problem at all. I have not really felt like a snooze on the sofa at any point really, and I am now going to bed at a better time.

I went out to get my Christmas cards hand delivered around near where my parents live as planned, stopped in for lunch, and walked back with them as I they were going into town. I still miss my MP3 player when I am out and about like that - I wish it would get fixed and be back to me soon. Being without it has really made going out for a walk far less appealing; I am not a big fan of exercise for the sake of it, but having some music makes it more enjoyable. I know since it broke I have spent far more time at home by myself which is clearly a bad thing.

The rest of the day has been OK - I tidied up a bit more, and did my washing up, and watched the A1GP qualifying - same old teams at the front!

I then spent the evening chatting to James, Rick and AJ online while posting the DVDP forum, watching X-Factor and the Boxing. It has been an enjoyable evening all told, although the Audley Harrison vs. Danny Williams fight was a complete joke. What happened to the AH from the Olympics in 2000 - he did nothing all fight except hang on for dear life looking terrified. Not that DW did much to win it either. Rounds 10 and 11 were good, but before that it was terminally dull, and after they were barely able to stand up they were so tired. I can't see either being World Champion even in what is a pretty poor category at he moment. At least Amir Khan put on another stunning performance - lets hope he learns how not to have a professional career after the Olympics from AH!!

I am really pleased that I spent the time to put my thoughts about this Blog down earlier. It took some time, and effort to do so. But I have a clearer picture in my mind of how this can help. I still can't decide on whether to give access to my family and friends. I guess I need to give it a few more days thought...

Tomorrow's high point for me is BBC Sport's Personality of the Year. I love the show and I will be gutted if Ellen MacArthur does not win this year. No doubt I will be screaming at the TV when all of Britain's motor-racing champions are ignored to talk about Jenson Buttons crappy season in F1.

I invited my parents round for a meal, and to watch it, but they have declined as my Mum can't sit for 2 hours without something to do, and wants to get on with her quilt. They invited me there, but I can't stand watching a widescreen programme on a 4:3 TV and so losing loads of the picture. I am disappointed, but I guess I can't complain - each excuse is as bad as the other!

I am annoyed with myself about the tidying & washing up and it's link to inviting my parents for dinner. I definitely wanted them to come, but I know in my heart that one of the reasons for the invite is that it will give me the kick up the arse (that I know I need) to get my house tidied and my washing up done. I can live happily in my house when it is a complete tip - junk everywhere, washing up not done etc. - but I hate it when someone comes around and sees the house like that. I can hardly ever motivate myself to tidy and clean up for myself, to be in a clean house. I like it when my house is clean, but it does not bother me enough to do the tidying for just my own benefit. So occasionally I end up inviting people around to force myself to clean - as well as wanting to see them. It is pathetic, yet I do it again and again. As I said I wanted my parents to come tomorrow night, but I also know that if I had not asked them the washing up would still be in the sink, and the tidying I did would not have been done.

I think it highlights my complete lack of self motivation at the moment - if I am doing something only for me, I will as soon not do it. I need to force an external trigger to get moving - but if someone else forces that trigger, it has the complete opposite effect - I don't want to be pushed, I need to do things when I am ready, not when someone else thinks I should. It is twisted mess...

OK, enough for today...