A Blog to keep track of how I am feeling day to day, and what I am up to.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Good Start to the Day... and it Continues

Today has been pretty great so far. I woke up naturally at 6am, and just felt like getting up and doing some tidying around the house... so I did! Got all my piles of washing up, and some other tidying done before going for an early grocery shop with my parents at 8am! I felt really great for it. I have kinda continued being busy for the rest of the day - I have done some more tidying, and have got some of my washing sorted out, as well as making some good progress with my webdesign.

As much as I am happy that I am having a good day, it really confuses me also. Why is today any different to any other day? Why today did I wake up at 6am feeling completely refreshed and ready for the day? Why today did I want to jump out of bed and start cleaning/tidying without turning on a PC or TV first? It seems to be the crux of some of my issues. I need to understand what makes these good days different to the bad days?

If anything, I would have expected today to be a bad day. I fell asleep for about 4-5 hours yesterday afternoon, so I could not get to sleep last night until after 2am. I was expecting to have to drag myself out of bed to go shopping, and then struggle through the day feeling tired for lack of sleep. Well I guess I should not complain, and focus on the positives of getting some stuff sorted, but it is frustrating not understanding why some days are like today to be able to replicate it.

A Quick Update before Bed

It's been a really crappy couple of days. Spent most of the time working on my website, but nothing seems to have gone right with it until this evening. I just found the whole thing completely frustrating - typical of my low-tolerrance self right now. I still have not sorted all the issues out, and I hate the middle of the homepage right now, but it is a marked improvement over what I have had for a couple of days.

I fell asleep for about 5 hours this afternoon, and woke up feeling 100% better, i guess I needed the sleep. Since then, I got going again.

I wish now I had just left the web for a while, and did some of the other things that needed doing, but that is one of the main issues that I am struggling to overcome right now - I find it difficult to do one thing for an hour, leave it and do something else... I tend to get into something to the detriment of everything else. I don't want to get into the detail now, as I need to go to bed, but I am sure resolving this would be a big step forward.

Must put some serious time into this tomorrow...

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

A Busy Day

It's been a real busy day, and I am real tired writing this. Don't feel like I have really stopped all day.

I was at the Red Cross shop this morning... but not really in the mood. The other things that I needed to do were constantly playing on my mind. In the end I gave up after a couple of hours and came home. Depening on what happens I may try and make up the hours later in the week.

The key thing that I wanted to do was do the update to Mum and Dads webpage before they came home from London after the marathon. I wanted to put something on showing Mums results, and the other relevant ones. Really like doing this kind of thing for them, and usually it is well received. Here is what I came up with! I am pretty pleased with it, but have not heard from Mum yet as to what she thought.

Spoke to M+D this evening, and they really pushed me re my Abbey bank charges problems (more later). I know I am stupid to let myself get into this situation, but having a go at me may make them feel better, but it certainly does nothing for me. Almost put the phone down. Got to see them tomorrow, to sort out their new pop3/smtp servers, and a couple of other things, so I guess I will be getting the third degree again. Not looking forward to it...

Other than that I have been busy working on my website (more later), and chatting to Rick and James for the rest of the afternoon/evening. Really good to have them (and AJ) about... seems like I have lost contact with all my "off-line" friends with this depression.

I had fun playing a practical joke on Skip... which is ongoing! He is such an ass, and has fallen for it completely! I know I should not do these things, but he really winds me up. I know a lot of it is to do with my complete intollerance of things since I became depressed. He has always been an ass, but now I don't seem to be able to turn the other cheek like before.

Was planning on going out and getting my hair cut, but could not find the money I know was in a pair of Jeans pockets. My house is such a bomb-site at the moment, it could be anywhere. No motivation to hunt around for the cash, no motivation to go back out to the bank... no haircut. How frustrating now...

I have so much I want to talk about, post catch ups on, and try to understand my feelings about, but I can't do them all at once. Need to gradually think about them over the next few days.

As a reminder...
  • Time Management
  • Friends
  • Depression Book
  • Intollerance
  • Counselling
  • Financial Issues
  • Books/Reading
  • Unwatched DVDs
  • DVD Profiler Rules
OK, gonna get some sleep now... more tomorrow.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Red Cross Volunteering

I guess the biggest thing to happen in the time that I was not posting is that I finally plucked up the courage (and I guess motivation) to volunteer at the Red Cross Shop in Darlington.

It took me some time, and multiple visits to the shop when I planned to volunteer, and ended up browsing and leaving, before I finally asked the question. Strangely it was a day when I was in the shop with no intention of volunteering... I had gone in to browse for books. When I got there, the shop was empty, but for me and the guy behind the counter. He looked friendly, about my age, and I just asked the question as I was buying a book before I knew what I was doing!

I have to say I felt fantastic walking home after sorting out the details. It felt like such a huge step forward, and I guess it was.

I have been working 4 hours on each Monday and Thursday since. It is working really well for me as it is something to get me out of the house, and mixing with people again, but there is not really the pressure of a normal job. If I really don't feel up to it, then I can miss a day, or change a day to another with no consequences. I guess that has it pros and cons... it is much easier to miss a day than it would be with a normal job, and I have a couple of times. As a stepping stone to getting back to proper work, it is great though.

I have felt a difference in myself since I started working there, and how I am when I am there has changed also. When I started I volunteered to look after the books, essentially to sort them out as it was a complete bomb site, and good stock was in the stock room with crap on the shelves. Initially I was at my happiest when I was up in the stock room, generally by myself, busy sorting books with my music on. Gradually though I am enjoying more and more being on the shop floor, chatting to the other volunteers, and being around people.

Another great thing is that responsibility I have taken for the books. And I guess "taken" is the best word for it. On my first day the manager had to take the day off, so when I arrived there was someone there who did not know what needed doing. I almost turned around and left, but decided to have a look if I could see anything to do. In the end I pulled all the stock-room books off the shelves, and reorganised them into categories, and generally tidied them up.

The next time I went in, the manager was back, and was really impressed and happy with my work. It felt like a long time since I have had that kind of positive feedback from a job - so long in fact I had come to not even expect or look for it. It was quite a surprise I guess. He basically said that I clearly know what I am doing with the books, so if I was happy to, I could keep going with them! Could not have been better for me!

I really feel that I am making a difference... the takings on books have increased dramatically since I started - they are up about 400%, so not only is it doing me good it has a wider impact on the shop as a whole.

The one thing that I have found, is that even in a charity environment, there are still the issues of business to deal with - bureaucracy, out of touch management, etc. I am not going to get into my frustrations now, but I will vent about them at another time! I guess it does show I will never get away from it completely, and my current frustrated feelings (even as a volunteer) show I have some way to go in not letting this crap get to me.

One other thing that has come out of this is that I have realised that I really love working with books. I always enjoyed it when I worked at Dillons and Ottakers, and I really feel that coming back now with the work I am going at the Red Cross.

I really wonder if I should be trying to get back into the bookshops. I am not sure if I would be satisfied with it long term? And I still have a real passion for going to Africa/Make Poverty History, etc. I guess I need to give it some serious thought... I suppose they are not exclusive - I could spend some time in the bookshops, get myself really straightened out and then look towards Africa? Dunno?

Still Awake

OK, so much for going to bed! Got into reformatting the template to match the rest of my new site (more on that tomorrow).

Pretty pleased with the result!

One good thing - I found the missing email post say waiting to be published (DOH!), so that has now been added!

OK Sleep Now - before a pass out and wake up with QWERTY written backwards on my forehead!

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Getting Started Again

Finally getting my shit together to start writing this again. Been too long. Must remember to thank James again for inspiring me to get going again.

The reason for stopping kinda sums up my situation. I tried the email in functionality near Xmas, and for some reason it failed. I did not post again then as I wanted to keep things in order, and needs to resolve or repost the failed message manually. That would have needed some effort, and the motivation just did not come... Pathetic.

So where am I now? Have I moved on? It is over 4 months since my last post, and while I do think I have improved some overall, I am still not stable enough to go back to work. I still have really low days - or groups of days - when I just can't motivate myself to do anything.

I know there has been one big improvement since Xmas - I finally took the plunge to volunteer at the Red Cross shop. Really pleased I did; it feels like a big step forward.

Not going to write anymore now... it is nearly 1am, and I need some sleep - I am at the shop in the morning.

Will get into this properly tomorrow!