A Blog to keep track of how I am feeling day to day, and what I am up to.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

A Quick Update

Today has pretty good after a completely miserable night. I just could not get to sleep, and then was awake every hour of the night! There was nothing really on my mind that was keeping me awake, I could just not seem to get comfortable, and then stay asleep. On order to get the sleep I needed I ended up being bed until gone 10am, when I had planned to get up a lot earlier.

Tom came around this morning for coffee and to see Fifth Gear re. SatNav systems. We had a really good chat about things - how I am feeling, and how I am dealing with things. He is really easy to talk to.

I also discussed with him the idea of sharing this Blog with my family. He was not sure if it would give them any benefit, and thought it may be the opposite. He is going to discuss it with Joyce and let me know what she thinks as well. Unless Joyce comes back with a resounding Yes, were she in the position with Mark, I will leave it until after Xmas. As it seems to be a bit of a risk if I do, I don't want to be something hanging over us over the Xmas period!

Since the lunchtime I have spent most of the afternoon reading, and organising some stuff on my PCs. I really settled into my book, without getting distracted - it feels good after a couple of weeks of really struggling to read for more than a few minutes at a time.

I want to get a good nights sleep tonight, and get myself sorted for Xmas. Hopefully I can discuss stuff with Mum and Dad on Friday after shopping - particularly where I am sleeping over Xmas. I am gonna sort out some MP3 CDs for them, so I may go up for coffee with them, rather than them coming here.

I feel positive about the next few days - I have things that I want to do, and believe I will get them sorted before Xmas.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Catching Up

It has been a few days since I last posted, and I really have no good excuse! I guess the main reason is that I have got right into my book, so at the end of the day I am keen to get into that, and forget about posting.

Overall I am feeling pretty good, and have been for the last couple of days. I have really been keeping on top of things, and have been pretty active. I have been keeping my house pretty much tidy, and my washing up done without any incentive of someone coming. I don't really know why I suddenly started to do so in the last few days - but I just feel I want to before I start watching a film... I hope I can continue with this, but who knows - being lazy with cleaning and tidying has not been new with my depression, although it has certainly become more pronounced.

As far as what I have been up to, I have not done a huge amount productive, but I have not spend time fiddling about, watching whatever on TV, playing solitaire on the PC etc. I have been keeping on top of the important things - obviously the cleaning, but also I have been cooking every night, rather than eating pizzas etc. The rest of the time has been reading, watching films, and specific things on TV that interest me. I think because I have been keeping on top of these things, it has allowed me to settle better to watching a film, or reading my book. I had been finding these hard to settle on, mainly because my mind was wandering to other things I "should" be doing.

I have been pretty involved in the DVDP rules the last few days, as there have been lots of conversations that I have felt pretty passionate about as the suggestions being made have been completely crazy. I have not however completed the work on the section that I took on -
the craziness of the things that are moving forward makes me wonder why I am bothering. I do want to get it done, but like has happened before, a relatively small thing has knocked me, and I have withdrawn. This lack of resistance to relatively small barriers continues to bother me - previously they would act as more of a motivator to overcome them, now they knock me completely. OK this particular one is of low importance to my life as a whole, but it shows the issue remains.

Unfortunately AMT is still effectively inactive, so my plan touse it to try to force myself into working set hours remains on the back burner - as does my DVD buying. :o(
I wish they would communicate with us users what the hell is going on - it is a very poor beta in terms of communication. They are not asking the users what they think, and not telling them what is happening - how they can judge it's success is beyond me!

I was at my parents for dinner tonight, with Eileen and Grandma, which was good - with the usual rolly eye moments! Had a good chat with Dad afterwards. I hope Xmas is as good. I am getting pressured to stay from Xmas Eve to the 27th, as we have family stuff going on all the time. I am not that keen at the moment - I need my space at the moment (and like my own bed!) I don't think I can lose that for 3+ days, without my mood and tollerance taking a substantial hit. That can't be good for anyone. I am going to decide as I go what I am going to do. I need to address it with Mum first, as I don't want an argument in the middle of Xmas about it.

I have real mixed feelings about Xmas at the moment. I am looking forward to it generally, but at the same time I am worried about the inevitable questions about how I am and what I am doing, which is going to be difficult. I guess I just need to get away for a walk, or whatever, if I feel it all getting on top of me! I am gonna take my laptop with me, so I can write entries to this to get stuff off my chest if I need to.

I still have not shared this with anyone, but Tom is coming around tomorrow, and I think I am going to discuss it with him while he is here. I have not decided definately, but I think so...

Enough for now.