A Blog to keep track of how I am feeling day to day, and what I am up to.

Friday, May 12, 2006


My day yesterday ended up being pretty good all told.

It was a Thursday, so was one of my days when I work at the Red Cross Shop. I have really stuggled with the motivation to go in for the last couple of weeks and have only worked a couple of hours here and there, rather than the 4 hours, 2 days a week that I had decided to do. Also when I was there I struggled to concentrate on what I was doing.

Yesterday however, despite again not feeling great about it when I got up, I got my shit together and went in. I am really glad I did, as when I got started I really enjoyed the work again. I had loads to do, as I had done little for the last couple of weeks, and so a cracked on and the time flew by. I really felt I had achieved a lot, and came home feeling great.

Hopefully I will feel the same on Monday, when I am next due in.

The rest of the day was kinda quiet, I spent a lot of time reading and chatting online, but I enjoyed it. I like Thursday evenings on TV as it all politics with Question Time and This Week. I also had an interesting conversation with James re politics and in particular the situation with Iran and their Nuclear Programme. It get's the brain working, which I always like!

I am still struggling to find the motivation to sort out my unopened letters and bills... I dread to think what is in there! Maybe this afternoon I will make a start.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

A step forward... a Haircut

It's been a while again since I last posted. I got sidetracked with reading and other stuff, and always ended up feeling too tired to post before I went to bed.

Overall I have been feeling pretty down, and have been finding it incredibly hard to get things done. I have a kitchen full of washing up, loads of unopened letters and bills that I can't face, and the rest of my house is a bomb site!

Yesterday I had what I see as a real step forward though. After nearly 18 months of not doing so, I finally went and got my hair cut! Seems like a small thing, but the idea of chatting to the barber was not pleasent. How's the job? What you been up to?.... Not easy questions to answer right now to an almost stranger. I knew I needed it cut, as I was looking more and more like Grizzly Adams, so it made me less presentable to go looking for work if I decided to.

Yesterday, it was really warm, and for one of those reasons I could not put my finger on, I just decided to go and have it cut... if the barbers was quiet. When I got there, there was one person being cut, but no-one waiting. I had hoped to be able to walk straight into the chair... and had planned my timing for that goal. Initially I walked straight past, but then convinced myself it was stupid, and when in. When another person came in, I had to fight the urge to get up and leave. I didn't and in the end it was fine; I had the huge mounds of hair cut off, back to a really short cut that I had when I was more confident. The amount of hair cut off was amazing - a little boy who came in as the barber was finishing off whispered to his mum "Is all that hair off that one man?". Made me smile.

When I got home, I finished the job off, and shaved off my beard as well. I feels kinda weird to be honest... I feel naked without all the hair to hide behind. I my face looks really fat and round which I don't like. All the books talk about losing weight when you are depressed... why not in my case? I could really do with doing so! I have ended up comfort eating instead.

I did feel much better when I got up this morning, although looking in the mirror is still a bit of a shock! So far today has been much better then recently, so hopefully this is a bit of a fresh start?