A Blog to keep track of how I am feeling day to day, and what I am up to.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

My Thoughts on Blogging

I have put a lot of thought into this over the last few days since I started writing this Blog. Essentially is it helping me or not?

I guess in some ways it is too early to say for sure if this is having any real benefit, but I feel at the moment that it is. I find it therapeutic, in the same way my counselling sessions are. In fact the feeling that I have as I write this are very similar to those I have when I am talking to Andrew. It is forcing me to think about things - what I am doing, why I am doing them, how the successes and failures make me feel.

Blogging is also working almost like a To Do list - if I write in a post that I plan to do something, then I am more keen to do so, rather than writing I didn't in my next post. I don't however want this to become almost like a crutch as the To Do lists did at times - I would only do something if it was on the list. It became a crazy situation at times where I would write something on the list, do it, and then mark it completed - just to get the sense of satisfaction of ticking something off. On occasion the writing and ticking off would take almost as long as the task itself.

When I started this I questioned whether I would post on a daily basis, but now I am posting more often than that, as the mood takes me. It has become almost a stream on conciousness at times. The way I am feeling I think I am more likely to post more often rather than less in the coming days and weeks.

I wondered a few days ago whether the things that I was left thinking about after writing my posts on an evening would effect my sleep that night. In the end I think it is probably having the opposite affect - spending some time before going to bed to analyse my day - the highs and lows - gets it off my chest. It is better than laying in bed doing the same analysis of my day, while trying to put it out of my mind as I am trying to sleep.

One big question that I have still to resolve in my mind is whether to tell my friends and family about this. At the moment no-one knows I am writing it. In some ways I really want to tell them - I see this as a positive step after all. However I have concerns about doing so. Essentially I can see both positives and negatives of sharing this with them.

On the positive side, I know that my depression is affecting my family and friends as well - particularly my parents. I think it may help them to read this, and better understand how I am feeling, what I am struggling with etc. I find it difficult to really talk to them about how I am feeling, and this could be a way for that to happen indirectly. I know that not knowing how I am feeling is particularly hard for them, and would really like to resolve that.

On the other side, I need this to be somewhere that I can say whatever I need to say, without fear of offending someone. One of the main issues I am experiencing with my depression is a complete frustration and lack of tollerance of others at times. Little things can really wind me up, and at times I will explode and say things that it would be better if I had not (even if they are my true feelings). I want to be able to vent those frustrations here. If I give people the link, and they start getting offended, I lose this opportunity which I do feel is beneficial.

I really don't know at this stage what to do... I wonder whether I should talk to Tom, and see what he thinks as I am close to him and he probably knows what my parents are feeling right now better than I do. But then if I decide not to give my parents the link, and something slips out to them it will be all the worse... I just don't know right now.
Maybe I'll discuss it with Andrew at my counselling session on Tuesday, and get his thoughts first. I almost told my parents today while I was having lunch at their house, but decided I wanted to write this post first - to sort through my feelings and thoughts. Once I open the door there is really no shutting it again.

As usual, more to think about when I finish, than when I started.

Up & Feeling Better

I have got up this morning feeling much more awake and better than yesterday. Got woken up again by the postman with more DVDs bought with AMT money. While I like getting the parcels, I wish postie would arrive a bit later!

I started the day by tiying the house a bit. Just some basic stuff - tidying paperwork, and other bits. I also spent some time on the DVDP Rules forum answering some the crazy stuff from overnight, and then catching up on a bit of TV from last night.

It has been a good start to the day, hopefully I can keep it up. I definately want to get through the day without falling asleep again. I need to get my body clock into some sort of routine - whether that be a "normal" routine, late nights and getting up late, or whatever - this inconsistancy and sleep during the day is doing me no good at all.

I am going to try and write about how I feel this Blog is help me work through my feelings this afternoon. Need to give it a bit more thought...

A Lazy Day

I have had a really lazy day today - I have not felt really awake for any of it really! I fell asleep for an hour this morning when I had barely been out of bed for a couple of hours, and the fell asleep again for about 5 hours on the sofa this afternoon/evening while reading. I didn't get a huge amount of sleep last night, but not little enough to make me as tired as I have felt all day.

So my day has been completely unproductive - I did manage to get out to post my Christmas cards that I'm not hand delivering, which is one plus. Otherwise I have just been lazing around, unable to focus on anything really - even watching a film.

Days like this really bug me. I wish I could put my finger on why sometimes I have these days where can't motivate myself to do anything.

I spend most of the time thinking about things a need to do and want to do, and can't concentrate on any of them. I can't effectively prioritise what to do first, so whatever I do do feels wrong. For example I sit and start to watch a film, and end up with my mind wandering to something else to the point where I give up on the fim. But then I don't do whatever the other thing is.

Time just wanders by, and I look back at the day, and can't see what I have done, never mind achieved. I need to work this out if I am going to move on...

On a positive note I do feel that this Blog is helping me think things through, and put things in perspective, but I'll leave my thoughts that for another post that is not at 2am in the morning!

Friday, December 09, 2005

A Good Day all Told

Most important thing first - I got all my Christmas cards made, and written too! To be honest I did not really think it would happen when I wrote it yesterday, so I am pretty pleased with myself on that count. Although I have to say the envelope glue almost stopped me in my tracks - yuck!

I guess the next thing is to get them delivered - something for the weekend as my parents are away tomorrow and those that need hand delivering are mostly near where they live. I'll fit it in somewhere around the A1GP.

My afternoon was pretty quiet - watched some TV, but did not get around to my new DVDs. Gonna make some time tomorrow. I don't know where the time went today really. I also spent a bit of time on the DVDP rules - all getting a bit flamey at the moment! It all adds to the fun.

I am still annoyed with myself for not doing anything about the Red Cross Shop volunteering. I know I really should, and it has been playing on my mind all afternoon. Still can't bring myself to commit to doing anything about it though.

Watched Ellen MacArthur on Top Gear again today - she is a real inspiration. It just blows my mind, what she achieves. And to beat the TG SIARPC lap record was just fantastic. In some ways it makes me feel even worse when I see what she does, compared to what I am doing. I want to get moving, but everything just feels so unobtainable at the moment.

I also spent 10minutes chatting to Rick's wife Lori online today. When I look at her situation, with no available cure to her illness, it puts my situation into a different perspective.

Lots to think about as I go to bed... I don't hold out much hope for a good nights sleep. I do however go to bed with a positive feeling about today as a whole.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Voluntary Work

I forgot to mention in my last post about The Red Cross shop looking for volunteers. I have been hovering around doing voluntary work for ages, as a step to doing full time voluntary work in Africa (if I can get a place). This feels like the perfect opportunity. However when I was in the shop I just could not bring myself to offer my time.

The opportunities were both in the shop and in the store room. The storeroom is more appealing as it is out of the way initially, but I don't know... I left the shop without asking. I want to move on, but at the same time I just don't feel ready to make a commitment that I can't break if I don't feel up to it on a given day; and at the moment I am still up and down too much.

I need to find a way to move on, and a maybe a step like this is what I need, but I don't seem to be able to take it.

A Positive Morning

Well it has been a really positive morning. I managed to get up to go food shopping, although not early enough to finish my breakfast before I left... Managed to get one Xmas present there which was a great start

After coffee with Mum, I kept the momentum up and went straight out to do the rest of that Christmas shopping. In the end it was pretty easy, so thanks to my Sister's generosity I can now look forward to Xmas! I also managed to pick up a few really cheap second hand books - Dead Air by Iain Banks, The Godfather by Mario Puzo & Life on Air by David Attenborough among them.

My first parcel from Amazon bought with AMT money arrived today, which was great! I guess they will keep rolling in for the next few days now with a bit of luck.

Hopefully my day can continue positively. Gonna watch a couple of DVDs this afternoon, and then I'm aiming to get moving on my Xmas cards this evening while I am watching Question Time and This Week...

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

First Day with a Blog

Well today has not been the most productive or positive day- again!

I did not manage to get out an do the Christmas shopping that I need to do again - for the 3rd day running. I am finding it really hard to get up on a morning at the moment - despite going to bed a reasonable hour generally. Not like me - although some people would disagree!

I cocked up today with my interview with the Housing Benefit people - I completely forgot they were coming today, so I was not organised! Amazing how your brain kicks in as soon as the doorbell rings - I knew exactly who it was going to be! It added stress to an already unappealing exercise, but I guess it went OK in the end - although I won't know really until they reassess my situation.

Big chunks of the rest of the day have been pretty typical - watching TV and fiddling about on the computer achieving nothing - it does not bother me when I am doing it, but it pisses me off when I look back.

While I go to bed feeling less than positive about the day, I guess I have had some positive times during the day. I finished my book - The Wild Shore by Kim Stanley Robinson - it has been a bit of a drag all told, but I am strangely keen to read the next in the Orange County Trilogy.
I spent quite a time contributing to the DVDP rules today also, although I dunno if we are really adding value right now. Seems like we are trying to force our views on the community - I believe more and more that the voting should take a bigger part so that all he community have a say.
I have also done a pretty extensive update to my homepage this evening - adding this Blog and Amazon Mechanical Turk (AMT) stuff, along with writers & comedian homepages.

Speaking of AMT, the A9 HITs are still notable by their absense - I guess I will have to bite the bullet and start doing some music artist ones if I want to keep buying DVDs again. :o(

I hope tomorrow can be more positive - I really need to get that Xmas shopping done, and my Xmas cards started if not completed... I am going food shopping in the morning, so it will force me to get up early so fingers crossed I can keep the momentum going for the day!

Right, time to start Executive Orders by Tom Clancy, and get some sleep if I am going to get up...

1st Post

Well my first Blog post.

I have started this Blog to keep track of what I am up to and how I am feeling while I am not working due to my depression.

I don't feel I am making any real progress at the moment, so I wondered whether expressing things like this may make me think more about what I am doing, and where my problems lie. I dunno, maybe it will and maybe it won't. It has to be worth a try though I guess.

My aim initially is daily updates at the end of the day, and I'll see how that goes, and will adjust as I feel I want to.

Not going to talk about today so far now, as it has been pretty crap, and hopefully I will have something more positive to say later to balance things out. :)