A Blog to keep track of how I am feeling day to day, and what I am up to.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

My Thoughts on Blogging

I have put a lot of thought into this over the last few days since I started writing this Blog. Essentially is it helping me or not?

I guess in some ways it is too early to say for sure if this is having any real benefit, but I feel at the moment that it is. I find it therapeutic, in the same way my counselling sessions are. In fact the feeling that I have as I write this are very similar to those I have when I am talking to Andrew. It is forcing me to think about things - what I am doing, why I am doing them, how the successes and failures make me feel.

Blogging is also working almost like a To Do list - if I write in a post that I plan to do something, then I am more keen to do so, rather than writing I didn't in my next post. I don't however want this to become almost like a crutch as the To Do lists did at times - I would only do something if it was on the list. It became a crazy situation at times where I would write something on the list, do it, and then mark it completed - just to get the sense of satisfaction of ticking something off. On occasion the writing and ticking off would take almost as long as the task itself.

When I started this I questioned whether I would post on a daily basis, but now I am posting more often than that, as the mood takes me. It has become almost a stream on conciousness at times. The way I am feeling I think I am more likely to post more often rather than less in the coming days and weeks.

I wondered a few days ago whether the things that I was left thinking about after writing my posts on an evening would effect my sleep that night. In the end I think it is probably having the opposite affect - spending some time before going to bed to analyse my day - the highs and lows - gets it off my chest. It is better than laying in bed doing the same analysis of my day, while trying to put it out of my mind as I am trying to sleep.

One big question that I have still to resolve in my mind is whether to tell my friends and family about this. At the moment no-one knows I am writing it. In some ways I really want to tell them - I see this as a positive step after all. However I have concerns about doing so. Essentially I can see both positives and negatives of sharing this with them.

On the positive side, I know that my depression is affecting my family and friends as well - particularly my parents. I think it may help them to read this, and better understand how I am feeling, what I am struggling with etc. I find it difficult to really talk to them about how I am feeling, and this could be a way for that to happen indirectly. I know that not knowing how I am feeling is particularly hard for them, and would really like to resolve that.

On the other side, I need this to be somewhere that I can say whatever I need to say, without fear of offending someone. One of the main issues I am experiencing with my depression is a complete frustration and lack of tollerance of others at times. Little things can really wind me up, and at times I will explode and say things that it would be better if I had not (even if they are my true feelings). I want to be able to vent those frustrations here. If I give people the link, and they start getting offended, I lose this opportunity which I do feel is beneficial.

I really don't know at this stage what to do... I wonder whether I should talk to Tom, and see what he thinks as I am close to him and he probably knows what my parents are feeling right now better than I do. But then if I decide not to give my parents the link, and something slips out to them it will be all the worse... I just don't know right now.
Maybe I'll discuss it with Andrew at my counselling session on Tuesday, and get his thoughts first. I almost told my parents today while I was having lunch at their house, but decided I wanted to write this post first - to sort through my feelings and thoughts. Once I open the door there is really no shutting it again.

As usual, more to think about when I finish, than when I started.


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