A Blog to keep track of how I am feeling day to day, and what I am up to.

Monday, December 12, 2005

A Day of Getting Things Done

Today has been more positive I am pleased to say. I feel I have achieved something, if not a huge amount, and I feel pretty good, going to bed tonight.

I have not spent the whole day infront of the TV, I have tidied a couple of rooms of my house, and sorted out some washing - I hear the machine whirring in the background as I write this. OK, I did spend more time than ideal in front of the TV and computer, but it has bothered me less than usual - the room I was sitting in was tidy is one reason I guess!

It feels strange that I feel so positive now, as my day has not been radically different to normal. It started late, despite a relatively early night last night. I just did not feel motivated to get up - I just laid and watched the curling on Eurosport. Happily I did not feel guilty about doing so, as I often do when I laze around in bed until late. I wonder if that is a good thing or not - I know I should not be spending all day in bed, but at the same time living my life always feeling guilty is doing me no good.
I don't know if I have fully come to terms with my depression - I know I am medically ill, but I still feel almost like I am slacking, as at times I feel completely normal. Maybe I need to better understand my depression to accept it and deal with it to move on?

When I did get up, I jumped straight into tidying my living room and dining room (after writing my missed post). It is strange that some days I just want to do these things, but most days I will happily sit in my living room surrounded by dirty glasses and plates without a care in the world (unless the doorbell rings)!

I have spent a chunk of the afternoon on the DVDP forums and talking to Rick online - he and Lori left today to go and and see Lori's new doctor, so he was a bit stressed about it. I hope all goes well.

I had a good conversation with Mum on the phone early this evening. I often feel like I am being analysed when we talk on the phone - I know she is calling because she cares and is concerned about me, but often I find it difficult, and can't get off the phone fast enough. Tonight was different - don't know why?

I feel like I write "I don't know why" so often in this Blog - it is obviously the key to me moving on. I need to understand why one day's feeling is different to another, and find a way to control that myself, rather than just going along with it. At the moment I just do not know what drives those differences.

The rest of my evening has been the normal TV, laptop and chocolate. Not great, but I did finish a little earlier than normal. I took the time to sort out my washing so I could put a load in overnight, and have some more ready for the morning. It also goes a long way to tidying my bedroom - not having piles of dirty clothes on the floor.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day - I am seeing Andrew at 11am, and I need to get an appointment with Dr. Trewby as well. I am planning to go down for 8am-ish to get that appointment, and so hopefully I can get one close to my counseling appointment. I think both could be really beneficial tomorrow as I have this to discuss, which I see as a positive step. I am planning on taking my laptop with me to the counseling session - as I am really keen to discuss, in an informed way, my dilemma about whether to give access to my family and friends.


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